How to Survive the Imminent Zombie Apocalypse Part I: Before the Outbreak

How to Survive the Imminent Zombie Apocalypse Part I: Before the Outbreak

     

Step 1: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!!!

        The stories are all over the news, to the point where it's hard to avoid. A man gets his face eaten off by an attacker who grunts at police when they shoot him. Another man kills his roommate and eats his heart and parts of his brain. Yet another man cuts out his own intestines and throws them at police. The list goes on and on with these morbidly disturbing stories. As Cracked.com writers TE Sloth and David Wong have taught us, a zombie apocalypse isn't scientifically far fetched. But the topper, the real icing on the cake for me, is the United States Government's denial of a zombie outbreak. Oh yeah, this shit's real. 

        Even if we have nothing to worry about and these recent incidents are a product of our over-active imaginations, that's not to say an outbreak will never occur. While I don't claim to be an expert on zombies, nobody else is, either. Until an actual outbreak occurs, all we can do is speculate and assume we know the rules. For all we know, real life zombies could somehow develop a telepathic link with each other to plan and organize their attacks. The point is, what qualifies me is exactly what qualifies anybody else as a "zombie expert," I've studied them a lot. As an avid lover of zombie fiction, a professional instruction-giver, a critical thinker and a hopeful author writing a future-instant-classic-masterpiece of zombie fiction, I feel I have what it takes to--theoretically--survive the all but imminent zombie apocalypse and teach you how to survive it, too.

Grandma and Grandpa will easily outlive your ass.

Part 1: Before the Outbreak

          If we are in the midst of Z-Day, you won't have much time to prepare. If this is the case, you must begin your preparations immediately. If this is just a false alarm, you've got plenty of time. Be that as it may, proper preparation is paramount to your survival, so don't put it off except maybe to share this blog post on Facebook or Twitter. It's like that old saying, "fail to prepare, prepare to fail get eaten alive by zombies."

I could never advise this much enthusiasm.

Step 1: Educate yourself on basic survival skills. This should be your first priority for a few reasons. For one, knowing how to survive against zombies doesn't do you any good if you can't survive against mother nature. After the outbreak, all of the niceties and conveniences that come with living in the modern age go right down the non-functioning shitter. Furthermore, these skills will help you survive in a variety of situations, making them good to know regardless of whether the zombies are coming.        

          If you can't start a fire, purify water, hunt for survival and survive in a cold environment, you can't survive the zombie apocalypse. More than simply reading up on these skills, take a camping trip and try them, all the reading in the world means piss next to a bit of actual experience. These are just the tip of the iceberg, consider getting yourself a few really good survival books to learn the ropes.

Go ahead punk, make my end of days.

Step 2: Arm yourself. Don't kid yourself, you're not Chuck Norris. Even if you were, your ball-smashingly-tight-jean'd roundhouse kicks of fury wouldn't be nearly as effective against a flesh eater as your sword, ax or crowbar. Bladed weapons are a good choice, but knowing how to use them is just as important as getting them. Invest in weapons training courses, then practice your ass off until you're a master swordsman. While you're at it, enroll in a martial arts class and learn how to physically defend yourself, it certainly wouldn't hurt your chances. 

If that route sounds impractical to you, author Max Brooks suggests crowbars as a stellar zombie killer in his bestselling The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead. Crowbars offer enough weight and power to easily bash in any former human's skull, while the pointy end can be sharpened and used for stabbing and impaling their rotten brains. Aside from killing, it's a good all-around tool to have at your disposal, and one that is likely to last a long time. Another handy skill to have is the ability to make your own weapons. 

          The use of guns is a highly debated subject among the z-crowd. Some feel it's not worth it to even bother, since everybody else will be looking for guns. That's why you need to act now. Get a few varying guns now, and as much ammo as you can without the government getting involved. Consider a couple of pistols and a shotgun for close range, with a rifle or two for shooting things further away. When it comes to zombies, only shoot them when it's a matter of life and death. If you can use a weapon that doesn't require ammo or make a loud noise, use that. The loud gunfire will likely attract more flesh eaters.

         Of course, many fail to realize that zombies aren't the only monsters in this new world. With resources so valuable and tensions so high, other people are just as dangerous as zombies. The guns are mostly to use against them. Since people are much stronger, smarter and faster than zombies, don't hesitate to waste a bit of ammo if things get out of hand. While I'm not trying to turn you into a cold-blooded killer, the world will, and it'll be your decision as to whether you'll kill or be killed. Judge wisely though, don't shoot anybody without having to. With a bit of luck, you may avoid a larger battle or war that you can't afford to fight. While avoiding people is generally advisable, you'd be a fool to go it alone. Which brings us to our next step.

Hatchet tossing camo-chick, check!

Step 3: Plan your party. The people you ride the waves of apocalyptia with are second in importance only to your personal preparedness. Hopefully you've got a lot of friends, and hopefully they're not all completely useless. Get on Facebook or open your cell phone's contact list and go through the names. Write down anybody with a skill set that may be useful after the apocalypse. There are eight crucial roles that must be filled during the zombie apocalypse to help ensure survival. It's your job to make sure your group has at least one of each type, preferably two or three. While all members should have an all-around skill set that may place them in multiple groups, anybody that doesn't fall into at least one of these categories will only slow you down, waste your resources, and increase your chances of death. The eight types of people needed are listed below, at the end of the article. 

         It also goes without saying that before anybody is considered, their personality and mental well-being must be taken into account. Even if somebody is a dead ringer for one of these categories, they'll quickly outlive their usefulness if they slow progress, question decisions and make life harder for other members of the group. When determining your initial group, choose people very close to you. Who cares if you know a good leader in the next state over? If they're not already dead, you will be by the time you get to them. Thinking locally is the best course of action. 

         Once you determine who you want in your group, make a plan to meet in a specific location when the outbreak actually occurs. The location should be central and relatively easy to reach for all parties and it should be somewhere safe and inconspicuous enough to hold up for at least two days while you wait for the group to gather. One of your houses is the safest bet. While getting out of the city will eventually be a priority, surviving the first week in the city will give your group time to gather and help you avoid the deadlocked traffic of every living soul trying to leave the city at the same time. Let the wondering fools be the zombie bait while you wait quietly for your Avengers to assemble.

You can always just resort to cannibalism, it's all the rage virus right now.

Step 4: Stock up. Preparedness is pretty pointless if you run out of food and water. Now, while you can still buy things with money, begin stock piling supplies. You won't need to break the bank since you'll only be staying in the city for a short time. Set however much money you can aside every month for things like bottled water and non-perishable or long lasting food. Remember, you likely won't have refrigeration, so don't stock up on anything you'll have to keep cool. Once you have a better idea of the people you'll have in your group, you'll have a starting point. 

         Plan for one to two weeks of food for each person. Divide the costs any way you guys see fit, but store the products in your predetermined safe house, where you'll all meet when the brains hit the fan. Making each member of the group pay for their own supplies will help weed out anybody who isn't serious about zombie preparedness. Consider having every member of the group buy plenty extra, in case you guys end up taking on any stragglers who aren't as prepared as you. Otherwise, be prepared for the emotionally heart-wrenching task of turning them away in their most desperate time of need or risk prematurely depleting your own stocks.


The End of the Beginning
With these four essential steps taken care of, you'll already have a higher chance of survival than almost everybody else. While it may seem a bit kooky and silly to actually prepare for a zombie apocalypse, you'll forget all about that when this preparedness is saving your ass. Remember, we may already be in the midst of a zombie outbreak, so get on this stuff as soon as possible. Following are the eight types of people you'll need in your group.


The Eight Types of People You'll Need After the Zombie Apocalypse

Opt for leaders that aren't monumentally large stone heads.

The Leader(s)- While I'll leave specific group politics to you and your group, direction and focus are absolutely irreplaceable. Without a central leader or small group responsible for making big decisions, the group will waste time arguing and fighting each other instead of banding together and solving problems together. This person or sub-group should be fairly determined by majority vote only after much deliberation, debate and discussion. As a leader, the group's survival is now your life and main priority. If you don't feel you can handle the responsibility, step down and let somebody who can handle it take over. Good leaders may come from any walk of life or former profession, but look for charismatic, good-hearted and compassionate people who still have what it takes to do anything necessary for the groups well-being.

Zombies don't even want to fuck with this guy.

Protectors- These are the warriors of your tribe. Not only will they serve as the groups primary protection against zombies and other people, they'll be able to train the group in combat, survival and battle strategy. Be careful not to include anybody prone to lose their temper or act irrationally in tough situations. Such people may be bad asses, but the last thing you want is someone who could destroy your group from the inside. People who make good protectors may be former soldiers, police officers, martial artists or anybody else with a history of physical prowess or battle experience.

Nobody should be this happy about zombies... choose a different scout.

Scouts- While other jobs may only require a couple people, you'll need at least three or four scouts. The scout's job is to venture into the world and collect supplies and intelligence. While it's a very dangerous job, it'd be even more dangerous to sit around without the means to survive or better your situation. Scouts will systematically visit nearby houses, shops and any other building, raiding them for anything useful. They'll also be useful for getting to know your surroundings, the best places to hide and the best routes to escape. Since scouts may come into regular contact with zombies or hostile survivors, they should work closely with the protectors to quickly learn to defend themselves. If you can spare one, send a protector with them to ensure your scout's safe return. Observant, task-oriented and ballsy people make the best scouts.

Hardhats mean business!

Engineers- Know any smart problem solvers of the "get-shit-done" variety? Good, you'll need them. Your group will inevitably run into road blocks and hiccups and it's the engineer's job to remedy them. After the basics of survival are taken care of, engineers are very good at planning out the group's long term survival. They'll figure out how to build the things you guys will need to survive and thrive in the new world. Obviously, engineers make really good engineers, but so does anybody with a high level of intelligence that can be applied to real-world situations.

Rapist Mustache Optional.

Handymen/Mechanics- Or women, if you want to get anal about it. Regardless of their gender, these are the hands of the engineers and your saviors when shit begins to break down. While cars will usually be out of the question, they'll be able to fix just about anything else that needs fixing. Aside from fixing things, handyme.... handyfolk can help fortify your group's shelter or build you a new one, if need be. Those with plenty of experience using tools fit best for this role. Any actual handymen or mechanics are obvious shoe ins.

Rolling pins double as head bashing tools in a pinch.

Home Makers- As any chauvinistic pig will tell you, "dinner ain't gonna make itself." Nor will your clothes automatically clean themselves now that showering is out of the picture. The job of the home makers is to prepare food, clean clothes and take care of any other daily needs around the survival base. While it's not the most exciting job, it's one of the most crucial. Clean clothes go a long way for morale, and, well, you die if you don't get food.

Stop posing like a hard ass and stitch me up!

Medics- In a world without hospitals, but with no shortage of zombies or hostile survivors, injuries are practically a sure thing. After the apocalypse, there's no such thing as a minor wound. With the lack of hygiene caused by the inability to clean yourselves regularly, a splinter can fester and turn into a mortal wound. While the medics won't likely be performing any complicated surgeries, basic stuff like cpr, medical knowledge and the abilities to clean and stitch wounds could be the difference between death or survival. While doctors, veterinarians and nurses are your best bet, anybody with a bottle of booze and a sewing kit will do in a bind.

The new faces of day labor.

Laborers- Anybody that doesn't fit into the above skills, but can walk, lift things and work, would make a good laborer. Without a specific task, laborers help wherever needed while also training to later take on more crucial jobs. Just because they're not medics or warriors, don't underestimate the laborers. These generalists may be able to fill in for a protector who is off with a scout. And if said scout doesn't make it back, you've got a quick replacement.

I'm pretty sure that's Beatlejuice in the middle...